(no subject)




everyday i'm getting a little more tired of living here, or being around certain people. i'm getting blamed for things that have absolutely nothing to do with me, but because they don't have anything else to do, they take it out on me.

i really need to try harder to get a life of my own. because seriously, i don't know how much more of this i can take.

so anyway, on a better and jessi went and bought season 2 of the l word on dvd last night..we now have 1-4, and all we need is season 5, at least until 6 comes out on dvd sometime next year or whenever lol. i'm excited because i love having a whole collection when i have something like that, and now that i pretty much have the whole series, i'm wicked excited, ha ha. pissed off that it's ending, but excited that i have it all, lmao.

ok, have to go deal with more drama in other peoples lives instead of dealing with my own...and i have to get this damn room cleaned, looks like a tornado hit it, ha ha.


no love...

ya know, i hate when even the people you live with talk about you behind your back, or even to your face..i mean i know i don't have a job right now, and i know that sometimes i'm not the easiest person to get along with...but when your own family talks about you, it doesn't make you feel any better.

i wish i could move out..i wish someone would just take me in for a little bit until i get on my feet..i can't take it here sometimes.

i love my family, don't get me wrong, i would die without them..but sometimes i feel like they don't feel the same way about me, and that hurts.

i wish things were different. i wish things were the way that they used to be.
i sometimes don't have a normal relationship, i didn't want to have a not so normal family life as well. your family is supposed to love and care about you no matter what you've done or have not done, and sometimes that's just not the case.
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    love me then leave me - laura marling
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floating away..

so, anyone who watches the l word obviously knows that tonight starts the first episode of the last season..depressing much?..what else do we have to watch after this!? lol. i think it's kind of stupid to get rid of it considering the outrageous amount of people who watch it! it's really kind of sad, ha ha.

there is ugh, a bunch of snow outside..wasn't there when i went to sleep last night, but it sure is today! i really hate snow, i've never liked it..but unfortunately for me, i've lived my entire life in upstate new york, haha. if i could move somewhere else, i wouldn't hesitate that's for sure.

there's really not much else going on today..i mean it's sunday, what's so exciting about a sunday? lol, the most boring day of the week, they should just eliminate it all together!

maybe my life will be more exciting on a monday!


it's been forever since i've felt you...

so, it's been almost 8 months since i've even attempted to come on lj and actually do something with's been hectic lately, i mean, with people in jail, people dying, people changing, people coming in and going out of my's all just been a complete mess..but on another note, i think things are started to look up, or at least i'm hoping..

it's a new year, and with all things considered, i'm trying to turn over a new leaf i guess..make some changes, fix some things that need fixing, ya know..what everyone does with a new years beginning, cliche as it all is.....

so me and the girl got a puppy in november, that was quite a step, still adjusting a little bit after almost 3 months, haha..expenses are a big thing, we still say that we should have thought about getting him a little bit more before we got him, but he's a good addition because sometimes when things are just ick, he makes me feel better, not much of anything can do what he does sometimes..dogs are funny like that.

it'll be 3 years in march that me and jessi have been together..seems like a lifetime..things are good and bad all mixed up into one, sometimes. but i thinks it's because we live at my parents house still and neither one of us have jobs right now..that would screw any relationship up, haha. 24/7 of each other is just too much we're trying to find other things to do to not be up each others asses all the time, hoping that will all work out, sure it will.

my dad went to jail in august and got out in december for that accident that i had mentioned back sometime last year..and of course, he came to live back home for a little bit until he gets on his feet..sometimes i wish he wasn't here, but then at other times, i feel like i've needed him to live in the same household as myself for the longest time..considering i haven't lived with him since i was like 4 years old. i've spent my entire life with my grandparents, and to have my father in the picture is cool sometimes..even though he's the biggest pain in the ass and is on mine every second of every day because i'm not doing anything with my life right now, haha..he's a good guy though, i just hope his life has changed because of this accident, i hope he betters himself and makes something good out of the opportunities that he has right far so good.

so, i guess me and joe are friends again..i mean, arrrg, i don't know. it's so hard with him because i want to be friends with him one day and then the next day i don't want to be..i just feel like no matter what, i will always get shit on and i'll always be the one who gets hurt and sometimes i feel like just cutting ties altogether would be the best thing for us, and then he comes back around and i just give in..i must be stupid..but ya know, you learn from your mistakes, and at this point, he can be a part of my life, but i will not take the shit that i've taken from him for the longest when it starts, that's the end of it..there's no chances anymore, so he better just be decent for once. he claims that he's changed, and i believe 10 percent..i need the proof, and just telling me doesn't show anything..we'll see.

i finally got my arm tattooed...ooh heavens, haha. it's mom doesn't like it, but every one else does..i hate doing things that i know i'll feel guilty for afterward, but i've wanted a tattoo on my arm for the longest time..the neck, shoulder blade, and shoulder and wrist just weren't enough for me, haha. it's nice though. (funny thing was half of a christmas present from joe, lmao).

i guess that's all for now..will definitely start updating everyday if it's possible. =]


so it's raining like crap outside and i just had the bejesus scared out of me. who sits on the front porch and watches the lightning and listens to the thunder. especially when it gets bad out? haha, well yeah..i do.

anyway, i got a half way decent tan. going to the beach every other day pays off. another 3 days this week will do me good. i want to get as tan as possible before i can't anymore.

i can't wait till the fall.

hmm, i haven't talked to my "best friend" in like 3 weeks. i guess he's too busy with his "new" life for anyone else. he's got a new job, new friends, and hasn't even bothered to give a shit about anyone other than himself. i'm so tired of being played by my "friends". i would seriously much rather just be by myself and spend time with my girlfriend and my family. i've never done anything wrong to any of my friends and my whole life i've let people walk all over me and treat me like shit. but i'm done now. i'm older, wiser, more mature and i don't need people like that in my life. i don't need people who want to be friends for a few months and then turn around and get a whim up their ass and want nothing to do with anyone unless it's convienant for them. i hate people like that. because if it was me.....theyd probably never want to speak to me again, actually..i know that that would be the case. because i know how they all are, and they're all alike. but that's okay, because i honestly don't care anymore. it's funny how they seem to think that i do because if i did...don't you think i would be calling you instead of sitting around and waiting for you to call me?...i haven't even bothered, because i just don't care.

ah storm. i must go. bye<3.

i'm wondering who you are.

sometimes i feel like i don't even know you, like you're someone i've never met. i've heard the saying, "everybody plays the fool", and i'm the fool when it comes to you. you want and expect too much out of life, but what do you have to work with to achieve those goals? you will walk the path of thorns and be pricked a thousand times, and you need to see this world in color and not just black and white. sooner or later you will walk the miles of those streets and see the millions of faces staring back at you like you're a stranger to this massive population. you need to open your eyes and see this life for what it really is. your expectations are too high and you will be let down extremely hard. so when your world is on fire and a complete train wreck, your decisions will be your mistakes and you won't know where to turn anymore. you will see that that imagination of yours has shattered and you will be very dissapointed with yourself. and in the end, you will come back to the world of color and to what you've always known, with your head hanging below your shoulders and feeling like a dummy. you don't even realize some of the things that you say and do, and just how stupid it makes you really look. you think that by voicing those opinions it makes you look smarter and more mature, but in reality you're being even more of a child because you're not seeing it when you should be able to.

just don't be surprised when the joke's on you my friend, you will soon come to know the real truth, and then who will be the fool?
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(no subject)

i see the sun rise in your eyes
and taste the sun set on your lips.
every morning a different color
every night a little deeper.
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    crazy crazy

oh how the future doesn't change the past.

today is friday and i have nothing do with my life. i started off the day by getting out of bed and then getting back in bed. although! i did get dressed and go for a walk through the woods on a trail we found, but it only lasted for oh maybe 25 minutes? then we were back home and being lazy again.

so, we're trying to find things to do that get us out of the house since me and the girlfriend aren't working and we're just sitting home doing nothing at all. so for the past few weeks we've been going to play tennis. we went last night to play and as we were playing, who walks onto the court behind us? someone who i used to be completely in love with who broke my heart and pretty much ripped it out of my chest and made me eat it. what a bitch. ha. anyway, as we were playing, i felt the tension even through the 6 1/2 fence seperating us. i felt like she was staring at me, burning a hole through my clothes, through my skin. i felt so weird. weird, not in a good way. usually weird for me means a good thing, that feeling in your stomach. but this was different. i felt like i was being hated, even though it's been 4 1/2 years. i didn't know how to feel, how to act, how to look. i felt like i had to confine myself to the person i used to be when she was around back then. like i had to protect myself from her, from the hurt that i felt so long ago. i hate feeling like that, like i have to pretend to be someone that i'm not just to make everyone else happy. i try so hard not to do that, but sometimes i just have to.

i, on accident, hit a tennis ball onto their court, and i was standing behind the board that people use to play when they practice by anyway, i hit one over there on accident, and she picked up and threw it back over the fence...well, needless to say, as embaressing as it is, it hit me in the face. now, i know it wasn't on purpose because she couldn't even see me standing behind the board, but still..for a second, i felt revenge. i felt the hate again. i felt like i had it coming i guess, like i deserved just one more thing for her to do to me to make me see how much she just didn't like me (even though i never did anything to her, ha!). even jessi (my girlfriend) was like hahaha, that was like she was getting revenge....mhm, pretty much, although i don't know what she needs revenge for because i never hurt her, i never did anything bad to her, i never talked down to her..i was just in love with her and she wasn't in love with me. so i got punished.

can you imagine? almost 4 years later, she still wants nothing to do with me. she's an adult, how can someone really hold a grudge like that after so long? she needs to grow up. i always thought that she would grow up faster than she needed to, but instead, she's still a child. she might have everything together, like a good job, full time college student, a great family....but her, herself, she's not together. she can't be civil with someone for what reason? i actually talked to her like a year ago on the computer. we were okay for the first 20 minutes, until she brought up how she thought that i was spoiled and how i always get what i want...that started a whole big thing and then everything was back to normal for us (not that it's really normal because it's not, everything has always been screwed up between us, but THAT'S what's normal for US.)

oh how sad that is. not really, because it just makes me realize that growing up and being an adult and having everything in your life pretty much perfect...the person who you were in the past only changes on the outside. you're still the same person you were on the inside, whether you believe it or not, and whether you act on it or not. somewhere, deep down, you're still that person and it will terrorize you because...


so pretty.

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears.
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For the dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little time is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more.
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash,
Would you be proud of the thing they say
About how you spent your dash?